No Reservations... With Ben Hewitt

So… If I remember correctly, last time I left you I had just gotten back from Outreach Weekend. Let’s see where we should pick up again. As much as I can’t write a blog about EVERY day, every day brings another story and another adventure. In this entry I am Anthony Bourdain, exotic food connoisseur, world traveler and author… minus the heroin addiction. The target is Carnivore, ranked as Africa’s top restaurant (I have no idea how one could POSSIBLY have a ranking system for that) and rated in the top 30 to top 50 restaurants in the world (depending on who you are talking to who, again, I have no idea who is doing the talking). Carnivore is an African Fogo de Ciao (for my Chicago people), an African, and upscale version of Samba (for my Madison people) and just a huge meat fest (Brazilian Steakhouse) for anyone who doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about. When you walk into Carnivore it feels like you are walking into the jungle. It is a tourists dream. Picture Africa in your mind. This is what the person who designed Carnivore is going for. There are tribal masks, wooden carvings of giraffes, elephants, hippos and every other African animal you can think of. There is outdoor and indoor seating available and we were escorted through the large indoor section into the outdoor section, set up like a safari camp ground. It is well lit with electric bulbs, but there are torches strategically placed all over the outside to make it feel like the brightness is being created only by torch light. The outside is set up in a large circle, with wooden poles holding up the Maasai-hut-like roof. In the middle of the circle is a small concrete path that cuts through a grass opening with a small pond on the far side (from where we were sitting). With the ambiance set, the waiter comes over and tells us about the set menu. You receive bread, salad and soup followed by a massive lazy Susan (I think that’s what they are called, they are circular and rotate on an axis so that you can spin them and get the condiments on the other side) of dipping sauces and vegetables (waste of space at a restaurant called carnivore, who are they kidding?). The dipping sauces include garlic, curry, berry cocktail, mint and a few others that I can’t remember (or pronounce)… which I didn’t ask what was in them for fear of ruining their incredible taste. Carnivore is known for its exotic meats and is not for the weak stomach. The first thing the waiter does is inform us, with his own great personal disappointment, that the Kenyan government has recently outlawed the killing of game animals for food, this includes the giraffe, impala, zebra and a few other forms of meat that were formerly on the menu. I resist the temptation to storm out of the restaurant appalled only when he tells me that they still have unlimited camel, crocodile, wildebeest heart and ostrich along with unlimited goat, beef, chicken and pork (Jacobus, assuming you learned how to read in the last few months and are reading this, you would have done SERIOUS damage at this place!) I order a Dawa or 2 (I was just trying to stay in character, Anthony Bourdain is known to have a drink or 7 with his dinner on the show) and am pleasantly surprised by this local concoction. It is made exactly like a mojito, but instead of crushing up mint at the bottom, they use sugar cane and top it off with a pinch of some sweet seasoning that makes you forget that there is any vodka in it. It is a perfect dinner drink because it is so light, which was EXTREMELY important as the meat spectacle (I know you are going to steal that phrase, Glass) had yet to begin. They started us off easy with a little pork chop and ribs. We experimented with the different sauces, ALL of which were incredible! After that came the goat (unbelievable when eaten with the mint sauce… it melted in your mouth… actually… I’ve never seen anything like it). Then came the Steak, and the fancy chicken wings (which were not very African, but most likely gave some of the Westerners in the building a relaxing feeling of home). One of the best parts of Carnivore was their ability to get you to let your guard down. Nairobi is a big, bustling city where you need to be constantly alert of your surroundings and Carnivore takes that into account by providing and incredibly comfortable atmosphere that takes you out of the stereotypical “scary” Africa, and into the stereotypical “tourist” Africa, not that any of us were complaining. It was amazing to have a meal in public without checking to see the girls bags were still under the table and my phone was still in my pocket (Nairobi is admittedly not that bad, but like any situation, I find it much better to poke fun at a situation than to complain or worry). I’m sure it was partly the Dawa doing the talking but the restaurant seemed relaxed while still providing the fastest service I’ve seen in Africa or the States (Africa is not known for its promptness, if you haven’t picked up on that!). After expanding our stomachs with the “everyday meats”, Carnivore upped its game to a duck liver (the only thing of the entire evening that I didn’t like… it just reminded me of dissecting animals in bio labs and I still tried to eat it, but had to swallow without breathing to minimize the taste… not that adventurous). Finally, with the anticipation reaching dizzying heights, the camel came (sorry AladinWestlands neighborhood in Nairobi with some time to kill. If you actually have that problem, give me a call and I’ll show you some cheaper options with just as unforgettable food! Hope you enjoyed my review of Carnivore. Not gonna lie, I have a lot more respect for Anthony Bourdain’s job now than when I started this post.